All That It Took
……And so they said to this little boy of eight,
If he went on dreaming doom would be his fate.
They mocked him, the boy was reduced to tears
As he listened to his peers’ painful jeers
They called him a dreamer who wouldn’t get anywhere
But he knew that his spirit could get him there.
And so he let his wild imagination soar sky high
All that was to be done was to try and try
Time passed by and it soon got very tough,
But this young lad would just not give up.
The magic soon started showing day by day;
The light at the other end didn’t look far away.
His dreams finally came true, he achieved his goal.
And now there was only joy filled in his soul.
So if you think a person is crazy because he dreams,
Remember this crazy lad’s success theme.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
i like the story in this poem
clear journey from a dreamer ....
……And so they said to this little boy of eight,
If he went on dreaming doom would be his fate.
into a sucess story
His dreams finally came true, he achieved his goal.
And now there was only joy filled in his soul.
sometimes i feel the need to know more about the way he achieved his dreams but as a basis this poem has alot of potential to be deep and meaningful
good work
I came back to this poem to reread it because I forgot to mention something about the idea.
I really like the idea you have here ^^ However the last line doesn't make much sense. Like I said, read this out loud and you'll see the mistakes. Choose meaning over rhyme, Young Gun, meaning is what really counts
-Shina
And ellipses is only 3 periods, and I don't think you need the ellipses in the beginning.
It's not necessary.
-----------
Okay, I'm going to sum it up to this: Your rhyme scheme is eating up your poem. Choose meaning over rhyme. There's nothing wrong with free form. Read your poem out loud, it's the best way to get some rhythm ^^ Also, a lot of punctuation errors. You use it in some places, but not in others.
-Shina
haha i never had dreams... to lazy... to even try... but i do know what its like to be in the boys position... being battered by "friends" and peers... i know that all too well...to the boy i say.. just keep going...in the end it will work out.. and don't fight...that'll make even more people dislike you...not fighting and rolling with the punches is the best way to go.. in the end people will respect you...for the most part...
my best wishes...
silented1
I agree with the comments above
I thought it was sad and sweet.
I thought that it was possibly lacking a little bit of information
I don't know but you were holding back a little, not showing it all
you have potential but it didn't all shine in this
although it was very good, I can see you have done better
well done
Heya Young! I'm here to dish out some nit-pickings! ^_^
Nit-Picks:
I don't really understand why the periods in the beginning are necessary. Also, there should be a comma after 'dreaming'.
Please add proper punctuation. 'Sky high' should be sky-high, too.
You definitely have some awkward rhyming here...
This doesn't sound quite right. How about you add 'that' in between 'joy' and 'filled'?
Punctuation:
Your punctuation is lacking in some parts and should be looked over. It's simple punctuation that's missing, so I'm sure you can handle that yourself.
Overall:
I liked the story that played out, but you could possibly go into it a little bit more. Also, I'd like to know what actions are taking place and how this boy perseveres to succeed in his dreams. I want it thick with emotion, like the blood, sweat and tears this boy has endured to triumph. His friends teasing him isn't what I'm looking for. More drama would benefit this greatly.
If you have a question, would like another review, or want a friend, feel free to PM me.
yay! first to review!
Very good theme, but I think you should look at the rhythm. Sometimes it trips over itself, you should ad nothing words or take away nothing words so that it fits better. Also, I think that instead of two lines in a grouping, you should cut the lines in half. But it may work better like that if you fix the rhythm.
This sounds like an story. If you are telling a story you should give more information about what he went through exactly to become such a success. Also, the last line is a bit of a let-down.
Overall, I'd say this poem has potential.